I realize much of what i've written so far might seem a bit unhinged. I'll reassure you I'm doing mostly well. These are thoughts i've kept to myself for a long time. I'm not a very good writer. It seems like the topics I write about keep reappearing again and again. After all, my life is more or less at a stand-still now. I don't really do much anymore. If my life is so devoid of anything, how can i have something of interest to say? I end up repeating myself.

I remain online because there is nothing else. You will soon understand.

This paranoia that prevents me from going outside, doing normal things, and being a normal person; much of it might be constructed online. It's not something you come across in one's everyday life, right? Is it even real? Am I being psy-opped into being an uneventful loser?

Why do I think that people see me that way? Well, they didn't initially. At first, I'm sure I seemed pretty normal. Eccentric, maybe, but normal enough. It all went pretty well when i first started at the university last year. I made several friends. A social life seemed to emerge after years of living in isolation as a shut-in at my parent's house. I even started volunteering as a bartender at the local student bar. It changed suddenly last spring, when i started telling people about my mental issues. The girl i had fallen in love with proved to be a fruitless endevour, and my friends turned my back on me because of a personal feud. They became increasingly worried and antagonistic. I started acting more erratically, became increasingly paranoid and confrontational in return, and eventually got sent to a mental hospital. I stayed there for a week. This was during last spring's exams, near the end of the semester.

Opening up about such personal matters might have been an irresponsible thing to do. After all, my diagnosis is unfortunate, enough to permanently change people's impression of the person labeled theas. (That's all a diagnosis is: a label). Understandably, nobody takes someone like that seriously. Many will now purposefully avoid me if i enter the room. Am i such a sorry sight? Does the mere reminder of my excistence sadden them? Are they afraid of me, or are they afraid of becoming like me?

Does it help to talk about delusions? I'm not sure if it does. It seems like it usually makes any situation worse. At first, most might find it humourous. That is, until they realize you're not joking. I wish i had someone i could describe it to, and who could help untangle me. In practical circumstances i end up entangling the physical world around me. Internet strangers are likely a bad russian-roullette-style choice for mind untanglers. I don't expect that. I'm trying to get in touch with a psychologist.

Most psychologists, in my opinion, are not helpful. They seem to have nothing to add, except to recommend higher and higher dosages of medications. Due to my fear of becoming chemically lobotomized, I remain careful about what i tell them. There seems to be a misconception in psychiatry that the schizophrenic mind is good for nothing, and that it needs to be destroyed by drugs, in order to behave nicely. Especially when it ceases to be understood. Believe it or not, I am proud of my own mind, just like most people are. I don't want it to become subdued. I say this even if my mind often tortures me. My thought is free!

Lately I've spent my days working on this website. There's an alluring sense that i might meet some kind of community where i can manage to fit in without being considered an unsettling loser. Or at least be appreciated by people that find themselves fascinated by unsettling losers. To deal with my ever insatiated need to express my confused and neurotic fears without ruining the day of undeserving bystanders is the primary self-serving goal with this website. If you enter this place, you have chosen to be subjected to my cacophony.

On the other hand, i want to show that someone suffering from schizophrenia can still amount to something. I know I'm a prime example of someone with useful skills, yet severe mental issues. Still, I'm sometimes able to do things that people consider impressive, and i like to show it off.

This week i went to band-practice. The people in my band tell me i play guitar good. It's the most rewarding thing i do nowadays. I'm know musicians can be valued in this world despite their madness, and sometimes even because of it. Therefore, i have never given up on my dream of becoming a musician.

I've become disillusioned about my field of education. Do I really want to become an engineer? I was only able to motivate myself to become an electrical engineer because I wanted to make analog circuits that could make my guitar make strange sounds. Seeing how tiring it is to start one's own consumer-electronics company, i eventually gave up on that dream. Now, it seems like my education is mostly focused on further construction of the worldwide sensor-fusion panopticon, the humanity torture-nexus. I can't stand it.

My plan is, even though I hate it, to complete my degree.